"Deadly Skies"

I recently wrote this to IMDB about a film called "Deadly Skies". The movie was a special cable film directly made for a station called HERE TV. A gay cable station that is known to be making original entertainment for our community.

"Deadly Skies- Absolute Crap"

"Granted, I saw this "Here TV. Special Movie", based on a blip I saw somewhere about Antonio Sabato Jr. having naked sex with a cute guy, but other than that, (Which was un-erotic and poorly shot) this was pretty bad.

Ordinarily, a bad, boring thriller is maybe good for one or two laughs.(Mainly at the actors expense who don't believe a word they are saying)But then life moves on. Some time and money is wasted, but so what, right? Not in this case.

"Here TV" is an event for gays and lesbians everywhere. Having a readily available cable station for us, is a major move forward."Deadly Skies" and "Tides of War"(also pretty bad) are IMPORTANT. These movies, not only are original programming directly for gays and lesbians,on OUR OWN STATION, but reflect to the world what we can do.This movie also wants to be a gay film without being your typical "gay"film. I also think that is important.

SO, WHY IS THIS FILM ABSOLUTE CRAP!!!???!!!

Is this all we're capable of? Boring crappy action movies with one un-erotic homo-sex scene, that seems weirdly out-of-place? I understand the budget is low. I understand it's shot in Canada. And I understand that you can only get Rae Dawn Chong and Antonio Sabato Jr. But what the f***??? Weren't gay men the ones with all the talent that was never given a voice? Now that we have the voice we give the world, "DeadlySkies"???? This is really upsetting. With all the poor, hungry,TALENTED writer/directors in Hollywood that would work for NOTHING.This crap is the best HERE TV can do? To represent us?

"Brokeback Mountain"-is coming out in a few weeks. It's directed by a straight man. Written by a straight man. Stars two straight men. It will be a watershed movie for gays and lesbians everywhere.

"Deadly Skies" will be playing on HERE TV for another month. It was written and directed by gay men. 1. No one will watch it. 2. People who DO watch it will not enjoy it. 3. It will mean NOTHING to the gay and lesbian community.

You don't need a huge budget to make a good movie. Remember, "MyBeautiful Laundrette" was also done for TV. (In England) and was directed by Stephen Frears and starred Daniel Day Lewis (both then unknowns)and made for practically nothing. A landmark gay film. Once again, made by straights.

Depressing."

A memoriam on the cancellation of "Taradise"

Another show that once again proves what crappy progamming there is on E.

Tara's a shallow, scratchy voiced, drunken dim wit who stumbles instead of walks. I'm sure at one point in her life her fierce ambition got her to where she is. But the lure and flash of what fame brings you has now taken her soul forever. Now she's a babbling, fake tit exposing alcoholic who measures her self worth on what cool private clubs she can get toasted in.

The saddest thing about all this, is that E looked at Tara the train wreck and thought that her notoriety would make them some $$$. In essence, encouraging her behavior. They gave her her own show. Told her to party hard. Saw that the show stank (Nobody likes watching a drunk try to be funny. Unless they are drunk themselves). Then yanked it off the air.Leaving poor Tara in limbo. Of course Tara's now worse off then ever before. Crying and whining to anyone who will listen about the tragic loss of her career.

I actually feel bad for her. Being a starlet in current Hollywood must be tough enough without having a network like E be your enabler.

My acting coach often says that the struggle for fame is sweet and lovely compared to actually being famous. Everyone wants to be famous. But what in our character make-up prepares us for the onslaught of fame when it does arrive? Probably nothing. Pity poor Tara. Like the rest of us she was a dreamer. Once.

Good Luck Tara.

Gay Sex

I wrote this in an old journal on Febuary 23 1998. When I was living in Salem, Oregon deciding to go to live in Los Angeles:

"We live in a make-believe fantasy world where the media in every form (fashion, video, movie ads. etc.) is telling us that sexual enticement is a prerequisite to happiness and love.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if the problems of the beautiful people relate to me.
I, along with the rest of the world am a victim of the media manipulation. I use sex as a weapon. I falter at the shrine of the gym. I surround myself with beautiful friends. I worry about getting fat (again). And I find that the greatest high is having sex with porn stars. Men who make it their business to perpritate the illusion of perfect sexual enticement. I ask myself every day why can't I be more buff, more beautiful, more desirable. Why can I be all these things and live in a vacuous porno world where you can suck cock in public. Hey, everyone else is a heaving, oily, grunting sexual beast. Why can't I join the throng? And when I go home after being completely spent of desire. Maybe I can find...love."

Nearly ten years later it's almost like nothing's changed. Gay men now more than ever place sexual enticement above everything else. What once made us different, now unifies us and we make sex more important than anything.

I was watching this show called "Open Bar" on LOGO about the trials and tribulations of a newly-out gay man trying to open a gay bar in West Hollywood. (the now super-hot icandy)
For the most part, the show was pretty great. A nightmare crash course on first business owner ship. But I couldn't help but notice that Tyler Roebuck. The show's star. Was dressed like a complete West Hollywood clone. EVERY SINGLE TIME WE SAW HIM. He never just wore a T-Shirt and jeans. It was all, Cargo cut-offs-Sleveless T's-wrap around Oakley sunglasses-A multitude of baseball caps. And this guy is a "new-gay"?

It was like (I thought) that when he came out he literally joined a new club where he traded all his old "straight" clothes for a completely new wardrobe of what the current gay man was wearing today. Was he incorporating a new identity based on who he "really" is or just another gay man putting acceptance and sexuality (He DOES look hot in all those sleeveless T's) over identity?

I don't know. I still work out as often I as I can. (a new 5 day circuit work-out, a ton of egg whites, liquid creatine and diet pills) Which makes me a complete hypocrite for being as critical as I am. But hey, I'm gay in 2005 where Brad Pitt is king. I'm not gay in 1955 where a skinny Montgomery Clift was.

The ending of my journal entry was...
..."As of writing this, I'm in Salem, Oregon planning to move into the valley of the heaving, oily, grunting , sexual beast. Question is, will I stay true to form and trick my life away? Sell out to desire? LA satisfaction? Or will I try and put away my feelings of worthlessness and try to find love? I don't know.
Who am I?---I don't know.---That's who."

That final statement still holds true today.

Fear

What is true fear to me? It is and will always be...how can I explain this...a sort of group thought mentality. A loss of individuality.
Like going to a mass Christian rock concert and having a fun, uplifting time, then suddenly the music starts and arms fly into the air. Eyes roll to the back of heads and people start to "praise" and rock back and forth. En masse. I'd run for my life.

You can have a perfectly normal conversation with a devout Catholic and then at some point they will babble, quoting scripture. I'm outta there.

Scientologists tried to convert me on Hollywood Boulevard when I was 16 walking to a movie from my high school (Hollywood High). I was ripe for the picking. I took their test (that took 2 hours of my life) and was sent home with a worn copy of Dianetics and the thought that I was a lousy human being. It took me 24 hours of introspective thought to realize that I was OK. To this day, I feel sick to my stomach walking past the Scientology counter on Hollywood and Las Palmas. I always think these cool people like John Travolta and Juliet Lewis should know better, but I guess they don't.

I even freaked out at my father's AA meeting. Hearing all the tortured individual stories was cool, but at the point where everyone joined hands and said, "AA it works" in unison. I was outta there.

I stopped going to church with my family because there's a point in the service where you have to smile and shake a complete stranger's hand and tell them the lord is with them. Fuck that! Who is this person? Why do I have to touch them? I don't even fucking know them! At 13 I would hide on Sundays until my family finally gave up. Then I became a homo. It figures (I'm sure they thought).

Scariest movie of all time? "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Of course.

The obssesion with Things

A few months ago I got a little inheritance. Suddenly stuff I never even thought about before, became suddenly very important. I've lived my whole life from hand to mouth and never really thought about the stuff I did not have. Then, suddenly I felt I DESERVED THAT STUFF.

Computers for example. The only computer I ever had was a archaic PC a former roommate left behind that had broke down many times and had no sound. Now I have a Fujitsu laptop that came out in March that I love more than my own life. Not only that. I now want an Alienware desktop as it's companion! Had a crummy little cell phone (and even THAT was new to me after years of using pay phones. One bitchy friend, that is no longer a friend said to me, "Oh my God. I thought you were a DRUG DEALER." When I called her fom a pay phone to her cell.) Now, I have a Treo650. (Not a 600, but a 650 mind you. Something THAT bitch don't got) that I know will be upgraded in about a year.
Bought my first ipod and have spent an embarrassing amount of money on itunes. Rediscovering songs from High School I thought I'd never hear again. (I hear the next gen of ipod will be Bluetooth. YAY!)

Bought a PS2, that I never even used. Gave it to my neighbor. Good thing too, now that I hear a PS3 is coming out. WHEW!

Have a Fuji digital camera after years of using disposable cameras. I take photos practically every day.

Am I a happier person with all this stuff? Well, yeah. I really do feel like a current member of society. Everything I have I really DO use and it IS making my life better. Do I have any regrets? Yes, too. I wish I didn't spend so much on itunes. I don't wanna say how much, it's REALLY embarassing. The PS2 and the games I got for it was a stupid buy too (Although I DID find out something about myself. I don't like video games. Never did. Except games where you get to "create". Like Sim City, Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 and Sims 2. Not destroy. Like every other game in existence) I also quit a job I LOATHED and loafed for 2 months. Currently looking for work now.

I don't think that this is the only money I will ever get. I'd like to think I will make much more in the future. Only now I feel like I am ready for it.

I may just get the PS3 anyway. For kicks.

The photo is of my kitten, Goodnight. Named after the Britt Ekland character Mary Goodnight in "The Man with the Golden Gun". The dumbest Bond Girl in the entire series. My cute little dum-dum. Goodnight is another one of my "things" I love. Like my PalmPilot Treo 65o. May it never break down.

Me
This is a current photo I took of myself on my balcony. I didn't mean for it to look so "arty" but it's a happy accident. Now if I can only figure out how to stick this photo on my profile where it belongs!

Gregory Amato

One of the happiest times of my life was when I was dancing with Sacramento Ballet. Now I am NOT a dancer by any means, but I used to take class religiously when I lived in San Francisco and I was told by Alonzo King (One of the best coaches EVER) that Sacramento Ballet was desperate for boys and I should try out.

I did and I got to dance. Not a big part but it was amazing to be able to work on a stage and just communicate by using my body and not my voice. It was really one of the best expierences EVER.
The lead dancer was a guy named Gregory Amato. I was frightened of him. His smile. His genuineness. His masculinity. His presence. I so desperatly wanted to be accepted as a dancer by the other members of the snotty 18somethings that have been taking ballet class since they could walk. Laughing at me in my black tights and lumberjack shirt. Sitting out the last part of the daily class because I was too scared to leap and spin. To take flight with the rest of them. Afraid to look like a fool.

But Greg was the very first one to look directly into my eyes and welcome me. He was only a few years older than I was and didn't start dancing until college. His love for ballet pushed him into a risky career at an older age and he immediatly became a hot property. Not only was he the lead of all THREE ballets that were performing but he also danced with Smuin Ballet in San Francisco. One of the best companies in California and a Bay Area favorite.

Not really knowing him, it was hard to keep track of what he had been up to after I left San Francisco for LA. But he is gone. No longer with Smuin Ballet or guesting with Sacramento. I sometimes scope the internet to see if I can find something. Nada.

You wonder why I am so interested in Greg. A man I barely knew. I guess like John Kriza he seemed like the perfect mix of grace, passion and masculinity. All things I wish I saw in myself. It also takes a lot of passion to be a dancer. Especially starting as late as Greg did. And when you stop dancing, it's like letting go a part of your soul.

I hope Greg is happy.