Gay Sex

I wrote this in an old journal on Febuary 23 1998. When I was living in Salem, Oregon deciding to go to live in Los Angeles:

"We live in a make-believe fantasy world where the media in every form (fashion, video, movie ads. etc.) is telling us that sexual enticement is a prerequisite to happiness and love.
I don't know if that's true. I don't know if the problems of the beautiful people relate to me.
I, along with the rest of the world am a victim of the media manipulation. I use sex as a weapon. I falter at the shrine of the gym. I surround myself with beautiful friends. I worry about getting fat (again). And I find that the greatest high is having sex with porn stars. Men who make it their business to perpritate the illusion of perfect sexual enticement. I ask myself every day why can't I be more buff, more beautiful, more desirable. Why can I be all these things and live in a vacuous porno world where you can suck cock in public. Hey, everyone else is a heaving, oily, grunting sexual beast. Why can't I join the throng? And when I go home after being completely spent of desire. Maybe I can find...love."

Nearly ten years later it's almost like nothing's changed. Gay men now more than ever place sexual enticement above everything else. What once made us different, now unifies us and we make sex more important than anything.

I was watching this show called "Open Bar" on LOGO about the trials and tribulations of a newly-out gay man trying to open a gay bar in West Hollywood. (the now super-hot icandy)
For the most part, the show was pretty great. A nightmare crash course on first business owner ship. But I couldn't help but notice that Tyler Roebuck. The show's star. Was dressed like a complete West Hollywood clone. EVERY SINGLE TIME WE SAW HIM. He never just wore a T-Shirt and jeans. It was all, Cargo cut-offs-Sleveless T's-wrap around Oakley sunglasses-A multitude of baseball caps. And this guy is a "new-gay"?

It was like (I thought) that when he came out he literally joined a new club where he traded all his old "straight" clothes for a completely new wardrobe of what the current gay man was wearing today. Was he incorporating a new identity based on who he "really" is or just another gay man putting acceptance and sexuality (He DOES look hot in all those sleeveless T's) over identity?

I don't know. I still work out as often I as I can. (a new 5 day circuit work-out, a ton of egg whites, liquid creatine and diet pills) Which makes me a complete hypocrite for being as critical as I am. But hey, I'm gay in 2005 where Brad Pitt is king. I'm not gay in 1955 where a skinny Montgomery Clift was.

The ending of my journal entry was...
..."As of writing this, I'm in Salem, Oregon planning to move into the valley of the heaving, oily, grunting , sexual beast. Question is, will I stay true to form and trick my life away? Sell out to desire? LA satisfaction? Or will I try and put away my feelings of worthlessness and try to find love? I don't know.
Who am I?---I don't know.---That's who."

That final statement still holds true today.