Fear

What is true fear to me? It is and will always be...how can I explain this...a sort of group thought mentality. A loss of individuality.
Like going to a mass Christian rock concert and having a fun, uplifting time, then suddenly the music starts and arms fly into the air. Eyes roll to the back of heads and people start to "praise" and rock back and forth. En masse. I'd run for my life.

You can have a perfectly normal conversation with a devout Catholic and then at some point they will babble, quoting scripture. I'm outta there.

Scientologists tried to convert me on Hollywood Boulevard when I was 16 walking to a movie from my high school (Hollywood High). I was ripe for the picking. I took their test (that took 2 hours of my life) and was sent home with a worn copy of Dianetics and the thought that I was a lousy human being. It took me 24 hours of introspective thought to realize that I was OK. To this day, I feel sick to my stomach walking past the Scientology counter on Hollywood and Las Palmas. I always think these cool people like John Travolta and Juliet Lewis should know better, but I guess they don't.

I even freaked out at my father's AA meeting. Hearing all the tortured individual stories was cool, but at the point where everyone joined hands and said, "AA it works" in unison. I was outta there.

I stopped going to church with my family because there's a point in the service where you have to smile and shake a complete stranger's hand and tell them the lord is with them. Fuck that! Who is this person? Why do I have to touch them? I don't even fucking know them! At 13 I would hide on Sundays until my family finally gave up. Then I became a homo. It figures (I'm sure they thought).

Scariest movie of all time? "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". Of course.

The obssesion with Things

A few months ago I got a little inheritance. Suddenly stuff I never even thought about before, became suddenly very important. I've lived my whole life from hand to mouth and never really thought about the stuff I did not have. Then, suddenly I felt I DESERVED THAT STUFF.

Computers for example. The only computer I ever had was a archaic PC a former roommate left behind that had broke down many times and had no sound. Now I have a Fujitsu laptop that came out in March that I love more than my own life. Not only that. I now want an Alienware desktop as it's companion! Had a crummy little cell phone (and even THAT was new to me after years of using pay phones. One bitchy friend, that is no longer a friend said to me, "Oh my God. I thought you were a DRUG DEALER." When I called her fom a pay phone to her cell.) Now, I have a Treo650. (Not a 600, but a 650 mind you. Something THAT bitch don't got) that I know will be upgraded in about a year.
Bought my first ipod and have spent an embarrassing amount of money on itunes. Rediscovering songs from High School I thought I'd never hear again. (I hear the next gen of ipod will be Bluetooth. YAY!)

Bought a PS2, that I never even used. Gave it to my neighbor. Good thing too, now that I hear a PS3 is coming out. WHEW!

Have a Fuji digital camera after years of using disposable cameras. I take photos practically every day.

Am I a happier person with all this stuff? Well, yeah. I really do feel like a current member of society. Everything I have I really DO use and it IS making my life better. Do I have any regrets? Yes, too. I wish I didn't spend so much on itunes. I don't wanna say how much, it's REALLY embarassing. The PS2 and the games I got for it was a stupid buy too (Although I DID find out something about myself. I don't like video games. Never did. Except games where you get to "create". Like Sim City, Rollercoaster Tycoon 3 and Sims 2. Not destroy. Like every other game in existence) I also quit a job I LOATHED and loafed for 2 months. Currently looking for work now.

I don't think that this is the only money I will ever get. I'd like to think I will make much more in the future. Only now I feel like I am ready for it.

I may just get the PS3 anyway. For kicks.

The photo is of my kitten, Goodnight. Named after the Britt Ekland character Mary Goodnight in "The Man with the Golden Gun". The dumbest Bond Girl in the entire series. My cute little dum-dum. Goodnight is another one of my "things" I love. Like my PalmPilot Treo 65o. May it never break down.

Me
This is a current photo I took of myself on my balcony. I didn't mean for it to look so "arty" but it's a happy accident. Now if I can only figure out how to stick this photo on my profile where it belongs!

Gregory Amato

One of the happiest times of my life was when I was dancing with Sacramento Ballet. Now I am NOT a dancer by any means, but I used to take class religiously when I lived in San Francisco and I was told by Alonzo King (One of the best coaches EVER) that Sacramento Ballet was desperate for boys and I should try out.

I did and I got to dance. Not a big part but it was amazing to be able to work on a stage and just communicate by using my body and not my voice. It was really one of the best expierences EVER.
The lead dancer was a guy named Gregory Amato. I was frightened of him. His smile. His genuineness. His masculinity. His presence. I so desperatly wanted to be accepted as a dancer by the other members of the snotty 18somethings that have been taking ballet class since they could walk. Laughing at me in my black tights and lumberjack shirt. Sitting out the last part of the daily class because I was too scared to leap and spin. To take flight with the rest of them. Afraid to look like a fool.

But Greg was the very first one to look directly into my eyes and welcome me. He was only a few years older than I was and didn't start dancing until college. His love for ballet pushed him into a risky career at an older age and he immediatly became a hot property. Not only was he the lead of all THREE ballets that were performing but he also danced with Smuin Ballet in San Francisco. One of the best companies in California and a Bay Area favorite.

Not really knowing him, it was hard to keep track of what he had been up to after I left San Francisco for LA. But he is gone. No longer with Smuin Ballet or guesting with Sacramento. I sometimes scope the internet to see if I can find something. Nada.

You wonder why I am so interested in Greg. A man I barely knew. I guess like John Kriza he seemed like the perfect mix of grace, passion and masculinity. All things I wish I saw in myself. It also takes a lot of passion to be a dancer. Especially starting as late as Greg did. And when you stop dancing, it's like letting go a part of your soul.

I hope Greg is happy.